Saturday, March 6, 2010


Recently, there's been a lot of talk about beverages and politics. There's a long tradition of making beverages a part of politics. There's even a liquor store named "The 21st Amendment" (I've never been inside, but I assume that a reincarnated Samuel Adams works there).

But this is not about alcohol.

Everybody's heard of the "Tea Party", I'm sure. Now, there's a "Coffee Party" starting up (unfortunately, Juan Valdez isn't a US citizen, and cannot be a candidate). How long before we have a "Water Party", a "Grape Juice Party", and (shudder...) a "Frappucino Party"?!

Just exactly what these beverages have to do with politics is even more obscure than donkeys and elephants. But I am concerned that my interests are not being adequately represented. I assume† that the Tea Party is mostly concerned about eating crumpets (whatever those are), taxing those of us who drink coffee, and generally making life miserable for anyone who doesn't enjoy drinking from tiny cups, using saucers and having table manners (again, whatever those are). I also assume‡ that the Coffee Party platform will consist almost entirely of propaganda for the thermos industry. I foresee subsidies and tax credits for buying things like self-heating travel mugs, and robot baristas.

Neither of those two options fully suits me. "Why?", you ask?

Well, here's why:
Both of them leave out a massive segment of the population. One with energy (sometimes TOO MUCH energy), focus, and determination. People who aren't afraid to do extreme sports. People who don't shy away from the possibility of an irregular heartbeat. These people deserve our support. Who are these noble men and women?

The people who support the Diet Mountain Dew Agenda. They show their support daily. Sometimes more. They wake up early. They stay up late. All with one goal; of making their dream a reality. That dream is not so different from any other dream:

It's the hope that one day, a resting tremor won't mean a glass ceiling at the workplace. That sick days taken for withdrawal headaches won't result in job losses. That medical expenses (especially those related to treating atrial fibrillation) will be covered for all, and that this wonderful green beverage will be spread throughout the world as gifts of goodwill, fostering peace and harmony in our time.

That, my friends, is also my dream.

† I know what the Tea Party is.
‡ I know what the Coffee Party is.

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